Purpose or Peace?

Painting: ‘The Wheel of Fortune’ by Edward Burne-Jones (1875-1883)

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Are our lives preordained?

That is one of the deepest questions that comes to my mind. But I never find a settled answer to it. Being a control freak, I have always tried to control every small aspect of my life. From my professional career to my personal relationships, I have always worked hard to align them perfectly as per my will. And I can say with pride, I have achieved a fair amount of success for what I have desired thus far. I confess that this control freakiness has costed me a lot. Whenever something small goes out of track or whenever I feel that things are not in my control, it just gets on my nerves. It has affected me so badly that sometimes I encounter sleepless nights in my pursuit of perfect days.

For this peculiar reason, I also suffer from aviophobia, due to which I am forced to waste hours, and even days for travelling by rail or road. And for the same reason my stress level becomes so high that sometimes I am forced to take a pill or two now and then just to calm myself down.

But some events in the recent past have forced me to think whether I am the one who is in control or whether I am just a puppet in somebody else’s hands. In the recent scheme of things, despite putting the best of my efforts I have not received the results that I desired for. In some cases, I have not left a single stone unturned. Although I tried my very best, but somehow I feel that the results have just slipped out of my hands. I cannot explain my failures logically, despite hours of self-reflection and introspection. This moment of despair has forced me to search. Search for answers.

And when you search for something this desperately, the universe throws something at you. Here emerges my friend who claims himself to be a budding Astrologer. He has been analysing my birth chart for the past few months. My friend is a staunch believer of determinism. According to him, life unfolds in a fixed order set by some fixed planetary positions during an individual’s birth. He believes that human actions and free will have very limited role in determining the future. He always supports his argument with a single philosophy - - that whatever is happening was already preordained to happen - - so we have little to no control over the outcome. And whenever I counter him by saying that if everything is already determined, then what is the use of astrology? What is the use of studying and predicting the future if you can’t rectify outcomes? He always smiles and answers that knowing the future will make us prepare for it. It will give us strength to accept it.

The recent events in my life have forced me to ponder upon his views. But do I really accept them? The answer is a big no. Somewhere deep in my heart, I feel that God doesn’t play dice. He is, in-fact, a Chess Grandmaster. And in Chess, both sides are given a fair amount of chance to play their moves. We can completely control our moves. The problem just lies in understanding the moves of our opponent. And despite trying hard, sometimes we are unable to explain the moves of our opponent. This failure leads to emergence of concepts such as luck, determinism, occult sciences, et cetera.

My friend asks me to loosen my control and to learn to let go of things that are not meant for me. I do not agree with that either. We humans have never learned to settle for what we have been offered. We were not given wings but we still learned to fly. We were not designed to endure the huge pressure at the bottom of the ocean but still we explored some of the deepest depths. Gravity tried to restrict us but still we determined a velocity to escape it. Thereofore, being a carrier of genes of such a great race, how can I let go of things that I desperately want to be mine? Some of the greatest minds in the form of scientists, poets and philosophers have consistently inspired us not to settle for what we are offered. They have constantly encouraged us to challenge the moves of our opponent in whatever form it might be.

This thought reminds me of some of the beautiful lines of the Great Poet Shri. Ramdhari Singh Dinkar. In Rashmirathi, Shri Dinkar writes:

“है कौन विघ्न ऐसा जग में, टिक सके आदमी के मग में?

खम ठोक ठेलता है जब नर, पर्वत के जाते पाँव उखड़।

मानव जब ज़ोर लगाता है, पत्थर पानी बन जाता है।”

And yes it’s true that when we humans use our brute force, we can even move mountains.

Still, I know that despite all these arguments, I will not be able to convince my astrologer friend. But that was never my point. His theory is - believing that everything is preordained can bring peace. But my theory is - believing we have free will can bring purpose. And most of us live somewhere in between.

I don’t completely reject his deterministic model. But what I believe is that our lives may have a preordained terrain such as our place of birth, the socio economic status we are born into, our physical attributes et cetera, which we cannot choose, but we can still choose the path we walk in that terrain. And given a chance to choose, I will always choose purpose over peace. Purpose gives meaning to my existence and it makes life interesting.

Peace is for Buddha. I find my solace in struggle. I neither want to become God nor a Saint. I am a human made from flesh and bones. I have all the vices. I am simply what I am.

Until Next Time,

Ashutosh